On Mothering

The Thursday before Mother's Day weekend, I was sitting with Roo in a busy Mexican restaurant at the height of the lunch hour. I was a lone housewife in a sea of suits and Blackberry-toting business casual-ites. As we waited to be seated, I watched the men and women stand in groups, discussing work, the office, their co-workers, the boss, and while struggling to prevent my baby from grasping a fistful of my hair, I felt oddly out of place.

We were seated and enjoying our lunch when in walked a long line of twenty-something women dressed to the nines, budding professionals in their heels and trousers and purses. Suddenly my efforts to get "dressed up" by wearing my yellow sandals rather than my plain brown flip flops felt feeble. It had been long week of mothering for me, and I knew I had an afternoon of ironing and playing blocks on the family room floor ahead of me. It was one of those moments that sparked a flicker of one thought which we all experience at some point no matter our circumstance: what if things were different? What would that life be like? It was a fleeting thought, nowhere near regret, but closer to curiosity. I watched them flip their hair, check their phones, and order some drinks before Esmé's tiny slapping hands upon the table top reminded me she was ready for her next bite.

I thought a lot about being a mother for the rest of that day, about the choice I had made to become one. Of course, the wonder and joy of having a child is Mt. Everest compared to any other wonder or joy I've experienced before, but existing in the shadow of that mountain is the temptation to entertain the tiny thought 'where would I be without her?' Idle thought, really. But it was suddenly pushed from my mind as I watched my baby tottering on her little feet, reaching out to walk to me, and the thought came to me 'Where would she be without you?'. I realized that among the varied joys of being a mother, to be so needed by someone else is one of my favorite. I am everything to her. She needs me to put her jammies on and replace her binki and clip her tiny fingernails. She needs me to protect her and love her and teach her to love herself. I realized that to be a mother is to be utterly indispensable. What an honor.

Where would I be without her? Well, I'll never be anywhere else but with her, she is an eternal part of my existence, and I am so blessed because of it.

And to our own mothers, thank you for always being there for us. We love you!
And to Roo, thank you for the fruit.

On Saturday, I woke up from my nap to find a big bouquet of purple flowers with a note that said, "Happy Mother's Day. Look in the bathroom closet." Inside the bathroom closet was a watermelon. On the watermelon was a note that said, "Look inside the fridge." Inside the fridge was a carton of fresh raspberries and strawberries which had a note that said, "Look inside the freezer." Inside the freezer was a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

So, among all those other joys of being a mother is the joy of getting fruit and ice cream after a nap.