Awkward Encounters of the Worst Kind...Part 1

A while ago, I officially had the most awkward day of the year. I would like to thank the following participants, without whom I would have just had an average, comfortable, unremarkable day:

1. Safeway Guy

I first met Safeway Guy at Safeway. I believe I was examining canned soup when he walked quickly past me and smiled hard--as if he had a lot invested in that smile--and gave me a very cheery and somewhat jarring, "Hello." My initial reaction was suspicion, since his smile seemed too large and his greeting too genuine for the grocery store setting. But I decided he was probably harmless so I replied with a very sympathetic, "Hi!" and I felt good about what a friendly girl I was.

About ten minutes later I was about to choose some bananas when he was suddenly standing and talking to me:

Safeway Guy: "Hi. So, I know that this is weird because we're at, like, Safeway and stuff..."
Annie: [Uh Oh]
Safeway Guy: "...but, would you like to go..."
Annie: [Big Uh Oh]
Safeway Guy: "...get coffee with me sometime?"

I quickly scan my brain for what to do in this situation. What do they do in the movies? (This is where I derive all of my dating know-how, since in my actual life the only people who ever asked me out had to buy me a corsage and bring me home by midnight, or else they ended up marrying me.) Shoot--I have to say something!

Annie [with genuine sympathy]: I'm actually married.
Safeway Guy: Oh--
[He starts backing away quickly, the way you would imagine someone to back away from a King Cobra, but I keep talking]
Annie: Yeah--
Safeway Guy: Yeah, I--
Annie: But--
Safeway Guy: ...should've--
Annie: That's--
Safeway Guy: ...noticed...
[Awkward laughter all around]
Annie: Ok
Safeway Guy: Ok
Annie: So...I
Safeway Guy: Yeah
Annie:...then...

I puntuate our brief, monosyllabic conversation by holding up my ring finger, and I get the distinct impression that he probably feels like I'm hanging him the bird. But by now he has backed up at least ten feet as if that would remove him from the veil of awkwardness that now envelopes the produce section at Safeway.

He turns to leave and calls over his shoulder, "Have a good day." And because I feel I've done him some kind of diservice, I think about calling to him 'thank you, anyway,' but by now he's disappeared around a pillar.

Though unmatched in his ability to make me feel awkward, I still feel sorry for Safeway Guy. So, Safeway Guy, if you are out there reading this somewhere, I'd just like to say, thank you anyway.

But the awkward day did not end there...stay tuned for Part 2. It involves poop.