I've made a most egregious Monday error.
Today I made the mistake of wearing an "I Don't Care" sweater. We women all have at least one of these lugubrious getups, as "I Don't Care Sweaters" are the ideal trappings of the sleep-deprived, the heart broken, and the menstruating, to name a few. The problem is, I don't really have any outstanding reason to be wearing an "I Don't Care" sweater--I just kinda put it on by accident this morning since it lured me in with the promise of warmth and coziness, and now it is using me to spread its ambivalent laziness all throughout the workplace.
As the name suggests, an "I Don't Care" sweater is what you wear when you just don't care about the world. How can you tell if your sweater is an "I Don't Care" sweater? It is of necessity very baggy, at least big enough for your dad to wear. And while wearing the sweater you:
1. Are more likely to eat food off the floor.
2. Use the adjective "stupid" to describe most things.
3. Find that doing your hair in anything besides a lumpy, loose ponytail is not worth the effort...and stupid.
4. Feel like work has become a major inconvenience.
5. Feel like any incoming call is a major inconvenience.
6. Feel like the UPS guy making you sign for that package is a major inconvenience.
7. Punch the buttons of the telephone with belligerence then slouch while taking phone calls.
8. Unbutton the top button of your too-tight jeans after lunch. A) Because you can, and B) because you don't care.
In fact, this becomes the reasoning behind most of what you do today:
Why are you coloring rainbows on that customer's order form with your multitude of hi-lighter markers? Because I can and because I don't care.
Why are you spending significant blocks of time staring at nothing and thinking about LOST? Because I can and because I don't care.
Why are you eating another fruit roll-up? Because I can and becuase I don't care.
Why are you spelling "because" with a "ua" rather than an "au"? Becuase I can and becuase I don't care.
Let this be a warning to you: keep your "I Don't Care" sweater in the drawer with your tattered yoga pants where it belongs. Once in the workplace it will wreak havoc--and you won't even care.
